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Steroid Controversy Rocks Hagbahah Crew.........posted Feb 12, 2008

Preliminary results from an undercover testing program have indicated that there is widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs among some of the synagogue's מגביהים (those who lift the Torah after a reading).

The investigation started when one of the Torah readers became bitter at the attention given those muscular magbihim. "Here we are, spending hours and hours getting a reading ready, and does anyone pay attention? Hardly. However, who are the ones who get the starry-eyed attention of the גוללות? It's the power-lifters!"

One person, who requested anonymity, said that he was particularly suspicious of Shlomo Feinstein. "There he was, shabbat Bereishit, when the entire scroll was wound on the left side. Up comes Shlomo and lifts the Torah, showing seven columns and two seams. The thing is, I had dinner at his house the night before, and he was so frail he could hardly slice a thin-crust hallah! How could he get so pumped in so short a time? It's not like the guy lifts weights. Nobody has seen him at the JCC gym since Golda Meir was prime minister."

Feinstein denied any wrongdoing. "I don't take any drugs that are prohibited by synagogue rules. Listen, maybe I stretch things when I eat too many desserts during kiddush. But steroids? Me?

"Besides, everyone knows that steroids have been going on a long time among the lifters. Why is it coming out now? I'll tell you why. It's because Itzik Cohen is afraid he's going to lose his all-time record of nine columns. That's right, Itzik, scandal or no scandal, I'm going to lift ten columns on shabbat trumah."

Anticipating an outcry, the board has convened an extraordinary session where it is expected to require all current and future lifters to undergo mandatory substance counseling as well as random tests after a six-column lift. Those found in violation will be sent to kitchen duty for the following five shabbatot. In addition, board members raided Feinstein's house just after havdalah last week. While they didn't find any steroids, they did uncover ten kilograms of levivot smeared with sour cream with a street value of five dollars (twenty if warmed in a moderate oven).