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D'var Torah on Parashah Tzav
Given by Rabbi Alana Suskin on March 31, 2007 (10 Adar 5767
)
Tze u'lmad
When I was in rabbinical school, the morning of erev Rosh Hashanah of my second year, my car had a mechanical failure and it rolled off a cliff. Those of you who read my blog probably know this story already, and so I won't repeat it - and in any case, it's a Rosh Hashanah story, not a shabbat haGadol story. But what happened afterward, that is a shabbat haGadol story.
I walked away from that accident, and right after the chagim, returned to class to the wonder of my classmates, who had all seen my car, which was, off course, totaled. My classmates and professors were all a little ginger with me. Yet, obviously, I was physically unhurt, and so, after a few tedious rounds of "did you feel like God did a miracle for you?" (The answer, for the record is, "no," which is probably yet another dvar for another day) most of us went back to normal. But after a few months, when everyone but me had forgotten about it, I felt compelled to go see one of my teachers.
This teacher is a bit eccentric, even by fairly generous standards of eccentricity. Yet, something about him let me know that there was something deeper to him than he wanted to let on generally. So I went to him one day after class, and told him that I had been having what were sort of wide awake dreams, or maybe something akin to a sense of d�j� vu - I didn't know what to call it, exactly: I would have moments when I was sitting in class, or was about to fall asleep at night, or I was shopping at the grocery, when I was convinced that I had not actually walked away from the car accident. That in fact, perhaps I was still falling at that very moment, and in precursor to my death, I was living out a whole life in my mind. Or that I had already died, and didn't yet know it -I was a sort of ghost, still walking.
I didn't really know how to explain it - perhaps I still don't. After all, nothing really bad had happened to me in that accident. I had walked away from it - had I not? My rav asked me about the experience - he was surprised to hear that in fact, I hadn't passed out while falling, but was conscious the whole way down, through all the rolling.
As you may guess, his answer did nothing to stop these moments of unreality. They continued for months afterward - in fact, I occasionally still have them, although not nearly as often as I used to.
You may by now be wondering what all this has to do with the portion. This week, we read the portion of tzav, which is about korbanot - sacrifices.
Most of us look at anything that has to do with sacrifices, and our eyes just glaze right over. A whole portion of nothing but this -well, it doesn't bode well for those of us not inflicted with insomnia.
But, what are the sacrifices, really? The word korban, itself, comes from karev- to draw close to. And indeed, the purpose of korbanot are to help us draw close to God.
Why aren't we close to God? What is it that poisons the soul? What is it that makes us too tired to live Jewishly, to pray with joy, to make our connections to one another and to Our Great Beloved Friend? What could possibly make us feel that it isn't worth the bother
The rabbis tell us that it is nothing but hirhurim - the murmurings of the heart. What are the murmurings of the heart? Turning aside from God? Idolatry? Some rabbis looked at them as an outside force - something that enters us to distance us from God.
I want to suggest that hirhurim aren't really those things at all...
To read the rest of this D'var Torah, and discover what Rabbi Suskin is referring to by the word "hirhurim", follow this link. (this link will open a new window where you can browse through Rabbi Suskin many wonderful writings).
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